ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE NOTICED that her beauty had fallen all apart on
her, that it had begun to pain her physically like a tumor or a
cancer. She still remembered the weight of the privilege she had
borne over her body during adolescence, which she had dropped
now--who knows where?--with the weariness of resignation, with the
final gesture of a declining creature. It was impossible to bear
that burden any longer. She had to drop that useless attribute of
her personality somewhere; as she turned a corner, somewhere in the
outskirts. Or leave it behind on the coatrack of a second-rate
restaurant like some old useless coat. She was tired of being the
center of attention, of being under siege from men's long looks. At
night, when insomnia stuck its pins into her eyes, she would have
liked to be an ordinary woman, without any special attraction.
Everything was hostile to her within the four walls of her room.
Desperate, she could feel her vigil spreading out under her skin,
into her head, pushing the fever upward toward the roots of her
hair. It was as if her arteries had become peopled with hot, tiny
insects who, with the approach of dawn, awoke each day and ran
about on their moving feet in a rending subcutaneous adventure in
that place of clay made fruit where her anatomical beauty had found
its home. In vain she struggled to chase those terrible creatures
away. She couldn't. They were part of her own organism. They'd been
there, alive, since much before her physical existence. They came
from the heart of her father, who had fed them painfully during his
nights of desperate solitude. Or maybe they had poured into her
arteries through the cord that linked her to her mother ever since
the beginning of the world. There was no doubt that those insects
had not been born spontaneously inside her body. She knew that they
came from back there, that all who bore her surname had to bear
them, had to suffer them as she did when insomnia held
unconquerable sway until dawn. It was those very insects who
painted that bitter expression, that unconsolable sadness on the
faces of her forebears. She had seen them looking out of their
extinguished existence, out of their ancient portraits, victims of
that same anguish. She still remembered the disquieting face of the
greatgrandmother who, from her aged canvas, begged for a minute of
rest, a second of peace from those insects who there, in the
channels of her blood, kept on martyrizing her, pitilessly
beautifying her. No. Those insects didn't belong to her. They came,
transmitted from generation to generation, sustaining with their
tiny armor all the prestige of a select caste, a painfully select
group. Those insects had been born in the womb of the first woman
who had had a beautiful daughter. But it was necessary, urgent, to
put a stop to that heritage. Someone must renounce the eternal
transmission of that artificial beauty. It was no good for women of
her breed to admire themselves as they came back from their mirrors
if during the night those creatures did their slow, effective,
ceaseless work with a constancy of centuries. It was no longer
beauty, it was a sickness that had to be halted, that had to be cut
off in some bold and radical way.
She still remembered the endless hours spent on that bed sown with
hot needles. Those nights when she tried to speed time along so
that with the arrival of daylight the beasts would stop hurting
her. What good was beauty like that? Night after night, sunken in
her desperation, she thought it would have been better for her to
have been an ordinary woman, or a man. But that useless virtue was
denied her, fed by insects of remote origin who were hastening the
irrevocable arrival of her death. Maybe she would have been happy
if she had had the same lack of grace, that same desolate ugliness,
as her Czechoslovakian friend who had a dog's name. She would have
been better off ugly, so that she could sleep peacefully like any
other Christian.
She cursed her ancestors. They were to blame for her insomnia. They
had transmitted that exact, invariable beauty, as if after death
mothers shook and renewed their heads in order to graft them onto
the trunks of their daughters. It was as if the same head, a single
head, had been continuously transmitted, with the same ears, the
same nose, the identical mouth, with its weighty intelligence, to
all the women who were to receive it irremediably like a painful
inheritance of beauty. It was there, in the transmission of the
head, that the eternal microbe that came through across generations
had been accentuated, had taken on personality, strength, until it
became an invincible being, an incurable illness, which upon
reaching her, after having passed through a complicated process of
judgment, could no longer be borne and was bitter and painful . .
. just like a tumor or a cancer.
It was during those hours of wakefulness that she remembered the
things disagreeable to her fine sensibility. She remembered the
objects that made up the sentimental universe where, as in a
chemical stew, those microbes of despair had been cultivated.
During those nights, with her big round eves open and frightened,
she bore the weight of the darkness that fell upon her temples like
molten lead. Everything was asleep around her. And from her corner,
in order to bring on sleep, she tried to go back over her childhood
memories.
But that remembering always ended with a terror of the unknown.
Always, after wandering through the dark corners of the house, her
thoughts would find themselves face to face with fear. Then the
struggle would begin. The real struggle against three unmovable
enemies. She would never--no, she would never--be able to shake the
fear from her head. She would have to bear it as it clutched at her
throat. And all just to live in that ancient mansion, to sleep
alone in that corner, away from the rest of the world.
Her thoughts always went down along the damp, dark passageways,
shaking the dry cobweb-covered dust off the portraits. That
disturbing and fearsome dust that fell from above, from the place
where the bones of her ancestors were falling apart. Invariably she
remembered the "boy." She imagined him there, sleepwalking under
the grass in the courtyard beside the orange tree, a handful of wet
earth in his mouth. She seemed to see him in his clay depths,
digging upward with his nails, his teeth, fleeing the cold that bit
into his back, looking for the exit into the courtyard through that
small tunnel where they had placed him along with the snails. In
winter she would hear him weeping with his tiny sob, mud-covered,
drenched with rain. She imagined him intact. Just as they had left
him five years before in that water-filled hole. She couldn't think
of him as having decomposed. On the contrary, he was probably most
handsome sailing along in that thick water as on a voyage with no
escape. Or she saw him alive but frightened, afraid of feeling
himself alone, buried in such a somber courtyard. She herself had
been against their leaving him there, under the orange tree, so
close to the house. She was afraid of him. She knew that on nights
when insomnia hounded her he would sense it. He would come back
along the wide corridors to ask her to stay with him, ask her to
defend him against those other insects, who were eating at the
roots of his violets. He would come back to have her let him sleep
beside her as he did when he was alive. She was afraid of feeling
him beside her again after he had leaped over the wall of death.
She was afraid of stealing those hands that the "boy" would always
keep closed to warm up his little piece of ice. She wished, after
she saw him turned into cement, like the statue of fear fallen in
the mud, she wished that they would take him far away so that she
wouldn't remember him at night. And yet they had left him there,
where he was imperturbable now, wretched, feeding his blood with
the mud of earthworms. And she had to resign herself to seeing him
return from the depths of his shadows. Because always, invariably,
when she lay awake she began to think about the "boy," who must be
calling her from his piece of earth to help him flee that absurd
death.
But now, in her new life, temporal and spaceless, she was more
tranquil. She knew that outside her world there, everything would
keep going on with the same rhythm as before; that her room would
still be sunken in early-morning darkness, and her things, her
furniture, her thirteen favorite books, all in place. And that on
her unoccupied bed, the body aroma that filled the void of what had
been a whole woman was only now beginning to evaporate. But how
could "that" happen? How could she, after being a beautiful woman,
her blood peopled by insects, pursued by the fear of the total
night, have the immense, wakeful nightmare now of entering a
strange, unknown world where all dimensions had been eliminated?
She remembered. That night--the night of her passage--had been
colder than usual and she was alone in the house, martyrized by
insomnia. No one disturbed the silence, and the smell that came
from the garden was a smell of fear. Sweat broke out on her body as
if the blood in her arteries were pouring out its cargo of insects.
She wanted someone to pass by on the street, someone who would
shout, would shatter that halted atmosphere. For something to move
in nature, for the earth to move around the sun again. But it was
useless.
There was no waking up even for those imbecilic men who had fallen
asleep under her ear, inside the pillow. She, too, was motionless.
The walls gave off a strong smell of fresh paint, that thick, grand
smell that you don't smell with your nose but with your stomach.
And on the table the single clock, pounding on the silence with its
mortal machinery. "Time . . . oh, time!" she sighed, remembering
death. And there in the courtyard, under the orange tree, the "boy"
was still weeping with his tiny sob from the other world.
She took refuge in all her beliefs. Why didn't it dawn right then
and there or why didn't she die once and for all? She had never
thought that beauty would cost her so many sacrifices. At that
moment--as usual--it still pained her on top of her fear. And
underneath her fear those implacable insects were still martyrizing
her. Death had squeezed her into life like a spider, biting her in
a rage, ready to make her succumb. But the final moment was taking
its time. Her hands, those hands that men squeezed like imbeciles
with manifest animal nervousness, were motionless, paralyzed by
fear, by that irrational terror that came from within, with no
motive, just from knowing that she was abandoned in that ancient
house. She tried to react and couldn't. Fear had absorbed her
completely and remained there, fixed, tenacious, almost corporeal,
as if it were some invisible person who had made up his mind not to
leave her room. And the most upsetting part was that the fear had
no justification at all, that it was a unique fear, without any
reason, a fear just because.
The saliva had grown thick on her tongue. That hard gum that stuck
to her palate and flowed because she was unable to contain it was
bothersome between her teeth. It was a desire that was quite
different from thirst. A superior desire that she was feeling for
the first time in her life. For a moment she forgot about her
beauty, her insomnia, and her irrational fear. She didn't recognize
herself. For an instant she thought that the microbes had left her
body. She felt that they'd come out stuck to her saliva. Yes, that
was all very fine. It was fine that the insects no longer occupied
her and that she could sleep now, but she had to find a way to
dissolve that resin that dulled her tongue. If she could only get
to the pantry and . . . But what was she thinking about? She gave
a start of surprise. She'd never felt "that desire." The urgency of
the acidity had debilitated her, rendering useless the discipline
that she had faithfully followed for so many years ever since the
day they had buried the "boy." It was foolish, but she felt
revulsion about eating an orange. She knew that the "boy" had
climbed up to the orange blossoms and that the fruit of next autumn
would be swollen with his flesh, cooled by the coolness of his
death. No. She couldn't eat them. She knew that under every orange
tree in the world there was a boy buried, sweetening the fruit with
the lime of his bones. Nevertheless, she had to eat an orange now.
It was the only thing for that gum that was smothering her. It was
the foolishness to think that the "boy" was inside a fruit. She
would take advantage of that moment in which beauty had stopped
paining her to get to the pantry. But wasn't that strange? It was
the first time in her life that she'd felt a real urge to eat an
orange. She became happy, happy. Oh, what pleasure! Eating an
orange. She didn't know why, but she'd never had such a demanding
desire. She would get up, happy to be a normal woman again, singing
merrily until she got to the pantry, singing merrily like a new
woman, newborn. She would,even get to the courtyard and . . .
Her memory was suddenly cut off. She remembered that she had tried
to get up and that she was no longer in her bed, that her body had
disappeared, that her thirteen favorite books were no longer there,
that she was no longer she, now that she was bodiless, floating,
drifting over an absolute nothingness, changed into an amorphous
dot, tiny, lacking direction. She was unable to pinpoint what had
happened. She was confused. She just had the sensation that someone
had pushed her into space from the top of a precipice. She felt
changed into an abstract, imaginary being. She felt changed into an
in corporeal woman, something like her suddenly having entered that
high and unknown world of pure spirits.
She was afraid again. But it was a different fear from what she had
felt a moment before. It was no longer the fear of the "boy" 's
weeping. It was a terror of the strange, of what was mysterious and
unknown in her new world. And to think that all of it had happened
so innocently, with so much naivete on her part. What would she
tell her mother when she told her what had happened when she got
home? She began to think about how alarmed the neighbors would be
when they opened the door to her bedroom and discovered that the
bed was empty, that the locks had not been touched, that no one had
been able to enter or to leave, and that, nonetheless, she wasn't
there. She imagined her mother's desperate movements as she
searched through the room, conjecturing, wondering "what could have
become of that girl?" The scene was clear to her. The neighbors
would arrive and begin to weave comments together--some of them
malicious--concerning her disappearance. Each would think according
to his own and particular way of thinking. Each would try to offer
the most logical explanation, the most acceptable, at least, while
her mother would run along all the corridors in the big house,
desperate, calling her by name.
And there she would be. She would contemplate the moment, detail by
detail, from a corner, from the ceiling, from the chinks in the
wall, from anywhere; from the best angle, shielded by her bodiless
state, in her spacelessness. It bothered her, thinking about it.
Now she realized her mistake. She wouldn't be able to give any
explanation, clear anything up, console anybody. No living being
could be informed of her transformation. Now--perhaps the only time
that she needed them--she wouldn't have a mouth, arms, so that
everybody could know that she was there, in her corner, separated
from the three-dimensional world by an unbridgeable distance. In
her new life she was isolated, completely prevented from grasping
emotions. But at every moment something was vibrating in her, a
shudder that ran through her, overwhelming her, making her aware of
that other physical universe that moved outside her world. She
couldn't hear, she couldn't see, but she knew about that sound and
that sight. And there, in the heights of her superior world, she
began to know that an environment of anguish surrounded her.
Just a moment before--according to our temporal world-she had made
the passage, so that only now was she beginning to know the
peculiarities, the characteristics, of her new world. Around her an
absolute, radical darkness spun. How long would that darkness last?
Would she have to get used to it for eternity? Her anguish grew
from her concentration as she saw herself sunken in that thick
impenetrable fog: could she be in limbo? She shuddered. She
remembered everything she had heard about limbo. If she really was
there, floating beside her were other pure spirits, those of
children who had died without baptism, who had been dying for a
thousand years. In the darkness she tried to find next to her those
beings who must have been much purer, ever so much simpler, than
she. Completely isolated from the physical world, condemned to a
sleepwalking and eternal life. Maybe the "boy" was there looking
for an exit that would lead him to his body.
But no. Why should she be in limbo? Had she died, perhaps? No. It
was simply a change in state, a normal passage from the physical
world to an easier, uncomplicated world, where all dimensions had
been eliminated.
Now she would not have to bear those subterranean insects. Her
beauty had collapsed on her. Now, in that elemental situation, she
could be happy. Although--oh!--not completely happy, because now
her greatest desire, the desire to eat an orange, had become
impossible. It was the only thing that might have caused her still
to want to be in her first life. To be able to satisfy the urgency
of the acidity that still persisted after the passage. She tried to
orient herself so as to reach the pantry and feel, if nothing else,
the cool and sour company of the oranges. It was then that she
discovered a new characteristic of her world: she was everywhere in
the house, in the courtyard, on the roof, even in the "boy" 's
orange tree. She was in the whole physical world there beyond. And
yet she was nowhere. She became upset again. She had lost control
over herself. Now she was under a superior will, she was a useless
being, absurd, good for nothing. Without knowing why, she began to
feel sad. She almost began to feel nostalgia for her beauty: for
the beauty that had foolishly ruined her.
But one supreme idea reanimated her. Hadn't she heard, perhaps,
that pure spirits can penetrate any body at will? After all, what
harm was there in trying? She attempted to remember what inhabitant
of the house could be put to the proof. If she could fulfill her
aim she would be satisfied: she could eat the orange. She
remembered. At that time the servants were usually not there. Her
mother still hadn't arrived. But the need to eat an orange, joined
now to the curiosity of seeing herself incarnate in a body
different from her own, obliged her to act at once. And yet there
was no one there in whom she could incarnate herself. It was a
desolating bit of reason: there was nobody in the house. She would
have to live eternally isolated from the outside world, in her
undimensional world, unable to eat the first orange. And all
because of a foolish thing. It would have been better to go on
bearing up for a few more years under that hostile beauty and not
wipe herself out forever, making herself useless, like a conquered
beast. But it was too late.
She was going to withdraw, disappointed, into a distant region of
the universe, to a place where she could forget all her earthly
desires. But something made her suddenly hold back. The promise of
a better future had opened up in her unknown region. Yes, there was
someone in the house in whom she could reincarnate herself: the
cat! Then she hesitated. It was difficult to resign herself to live
inside an animal. She would have soft, white fur, and a great
energy for a leap would probably be concentrated in her muscles.
And she would feel her eyes glow in the dark like two green coals.
And she would have white, sharp teeth to smile at her mother from
her feline heart with a broad and good animal smile. But no! It
couldn't be. She imagined herself quickly inside the body of the
cat, running through the corridors of the house once more, managing
four uncomfortable legs, and that tail would move on its own,
without rhythm, alien to her will. What would life look like
through those green and luminous eyes? At night she would go to mew
at the sky so that it would not pour its moonlit cement down on the
face of the "boy," who would be on his back drinking in the dew.
Maybe in her status as a cat she would also feel fear. And maybe in
the end, she would be unable to eat the orange with that
carnivorous mouth. A coldness that came from right then and there,
born of the very roots of her spirit quivered in her memory. No. It
was impossible to incarnate herself in the cat. She was afraid of
one day feeling in her palate in her throat in all her quadruped
organism, the irrevocable desire to eat a mouse. Probably when her
spirit began to inhabit the cat s body she would no longer feel any
desire to eat an orange but the repugnant and urgent desire to eat
a mouse. She shuddered on thinking about it, caught between her
teeth after the chase. She felt it struggling in its last attempts
at escape, trying to free itself to get back to its hole again. No.
Anything but that. It was preferable to stay there for eternity in
that distant and mysterious world of pure spirits.
But it was difficult to resign herself to live forgotten forever.
Why did she have to feel the desire to eat a mouse? Who would rule
in that synthesis of woman and cat? Would the primitive animal
instinct of the body rule, or the pure will of the woman? The
answer was crystal clear. There was no reason to be afraid. She
would incarnate herself in the cat and would eat her desired
orange. Besides, she would be a strange being, a cat with the
intelligence of a beautiful woman. She would be the center of all
attention. . . . It was then, for the first time, that she
understood that above all her virtues what was in command was the
vanity of a metaphysical woman.
Like an insect on the alert which raises its antennae, she put her
energy to work throughout the house in search of the cat. It must
still be on top of the stove at that time, dreaming that it would
wake up with a sprig of heliotrope between its teeth. But it wasn't
there. She looked for it again, but she could no longer find the
stove. The kitchen wasn't the same. The corners of the house were
strange to her; they were no longer those dark corners full of
cobwebs. The cat was nowhere to be found. She looked on the roof,
in the trees, in the drains, under the bed, in the pantry. She
found everything confused. Where she expected to find the portraits
of her ancestors again, she found only a bottle of arsenic. From
there on she found arsenic all through the house, but the cat had
disappeared. The house was no longer the same as before. What had
happened to her things? Why were her thirteen favorite books now
covered with a thick coat of arsenic? She remembered the orange
tree in the courtyard. She looked for it, and tried to find the
"boy" again in his pit of water. But the orange tree wasn't in its
place and the "boy" was nothing now but a handful of arsenic mixed
with ashes underneath a heavy concrete platform. Now she really was
going to sleep. Everything was different. And the house had a
strong smell of arsenic that beat on her nostrils as if from the
depths of a pharmacy.
Only then did she understand that three thousand years had passed
since the day she had had a desire to eat the first orange.
B&L Associates, Renton, Washington, U.S.A.