As You Like It
Act V scene iv
Lines: 64-101
William Shakespeare: The Complete Works
Alfred Harbage, General Editor
Pelican, 1972


JAQUES

    But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the
    quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE

    Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more
    seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the
    cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,
    if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the
    mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.
    If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he
    would send me word, he cut it to please himself:
    this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was
    not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is
    called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not
    well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this
    is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not
    well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the
    Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie
    Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

JAQUES

    And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE

    I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,
    nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we
    measured swords and parted.

JAQUES

    Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE

    O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
    books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
    The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
    Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
    fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
    Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
    Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All
    these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may
    avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven
    justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the
    parties were met themselves, one of them thought but
    of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and
    they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the
    only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES

    Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at
    any thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR

    He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under
    the presentation of that he shoots his wit.